The Real Thing Is Here

Life is like a storybook, eveRyday, something new happened:

first time dalam hidup aku, ni lah kali pertama aku cant wait to bllog!!
mcm siak..
before i even resume, HAPPY BIRTHDAY YUNIRA!!
ok done.

just wanna get things off my chest..
i think i over reacted..
i think i over show her care..
but i admit, i've been an asshole.
made her feel awkward..
trust me, if i could, i never wanted this feeling too..
it was just unfortunate that it came along.
gile per aku nak bercouple again??
i've told myself before that i won't get attached after HIDAYAH..
maybe not till i ORD and get my degree.

i'm not myself lately...
expecting much from a little friendship..
but all these, has gone..
i dun wanna get hurt again..
neither i want her to be upset all the time..
be happy girl..
i'll be happy if you're happy..
be someone you love and like so much..
it's not about the guys..
it's not about you..
it's about what my heart wants..
selfish kann aku ni??
but this is life..
nothing concerns more than that little piece of meat..
i don't want to be sad anymore..
but loosing a fren like her will make me sad, all the time..
so i'm caught in a dillemma..
loose a fren and i'll be unhappy and she'll be happy
or
keep her and i'll be happy and she'll be unhappy??
nontheless, a decision has to be made..
im glad i passed the 12mn mark with her..
hope my prescence shows something..
maybe i really made her feel wrong but that is when feelings are involved..
maybe sooner or later that feeling goes away, it's time that i can chit-chat with her all again.
i missed the times when i sent her off, chill pat playground..
lay on her thighs,
jokes,
smoke,
laugh,
share stuffs,
merepek,
stroke my hair,
and best, slept while talking on the phone!!
but i think it'll never be the same..
i doubt she even know my blog existed, but i'm lost when she said that someone said that she made used of me?? WTH kann??
maybe she misinterpreted.. but whatever it is, let me be clear, i didn't clearly see that coming at all..
i do it coz i wanted too..
and the singapore flyer, maybe it was an ajak- ajak ayam but i was serious coz it's your birthday..
and birthdays, esp 21st are meant to be with a bang.
i had my best birthdays this year, and all along..
never failed to have tons and tons of people coming to celebrate along..
but i feel for her.. that's y i feel like doing something for her..
and if the B&J is a no go then i'll just live by it..
i doubt she even wanted it..
not by me at least..
how i feel i wasn't caught in this life..
be purely out of love and still have fun with her..
how?
how to do it?
dissappear?
that's what some people say..
but is that really what i wanted??
no i don't..
i still want to see her and at the same time, loose that lovely feelings...
*snap* i noticed mulut aku belopong when typing this.. lalat masuk jek
but will she give me a chance?
i doubt it..
i doubt anything and everything..
nasib i'm not going dbl o this week..
so at least for sure i know i won't see her down again..
but i hope she'll call me if she's not herself..
i want to see her home in one piece, safe and sound..

my dear FRIEND,
i'm sorry i fall..
it shouldn't have happened..
and i didn't expect it coming anyway.
i wouldn't want to loose a friendship, not with you..
but i think my actions crossed the line..
so i'm taking this time to apologize if i've sinned.
my words, actions and thoughts.

but i'll still irritate you though!
aku suke!

there's just so much that i wanna say but i'm too tired to type..
but i'll try out abit more..

i'm not and not gonna express feelings for you anymore, except that i still love you as my buddy.
i do, still love you buddy..
kau lah partner in crime aku..
so far i've known you, twice you've cried on the phone with me..
and i know you trust me..
i hope you still do..
i know myself, even if you're drunk, i'll never do anything to you..
i'll never take advantage of you..
if to the extend i'll take you to a room after a tired day out, trust me, i won't be on the bed with you..
hard to believe?
try me..
but i know myself..
i'm stronger than this..
aruah nenek aku kasi aku name eusoff for a reason sak.
to be strong and not easily influenced.
so i hope you still have that amount of trust for me..

my mum's still in hosp..
kalau aku nak makan, teman aku can?
but i try to control myself, not to ask you out alot of times..
maybe a week once or twice??
luckily i'm not the lepak kinda person, so civic will be out of my league..
i think i should make myself busy..
work and back and work and back and sleep..
sleep my problems off..
sometimes i missed HIDAYAH too, that care & concern she had for me even after we're off..
she still call me to say take care at work..
she called me in the middle of my training to say hi..
she brought me many2 things..
too many that it's uncountable..
i'll treasure those..
bt we both moved on, so take care chubbs..
you know, we are still friends..
and the baju raya, the choice of colour is spot on..
i like it!

and coming back,
so here it comes,
my plans..
chill..
wait..
stay..
friends only..
FRIENDS ONLY..
and hope everything will be forgotten..
i wanna hug you..
a birthday hug..
and a kiss on your head..
smell your escada off..
but too bad, this type of situation, not gonna happen..
so, i can just wish..

arghhh!!!!
i feel like crying sak..
lagu maybe on my mp3..
"maybe it's true, i'm caught up on you..."
ya right, keyword, MAYBE.
but give me more time, i hope not..
nah it's not..
forget all my other enteries, this is real..
my life, my story..
and nothing else matters..
not what people said..
so if you do ever come across this when you're free, take it in good faith that i'm trying..

take care..
and have a happy 21st birthday.
bye.